The First Night
by Maybe the Moon
Summary: The first night at Hogwarts is always the hardest. SPOILERS FOR DEATHLY HALLOWS.


The first night, he'd heard, was the worst.

Harry hadn't told him that, because for Harry the first night at Hogwarts had been something remarkable, a vast improvement over his old life as a Muggle (Teddy couldn't believe that someone like _Harry Potter_ had lived in a _cupboard under the stairs,_ but his godfather wasn't known for hyperbole and Aunt Hermione's biography confirmed it anyway). The stories Harry told about Hogwarts were always about the good things, like the feasts and the Gryffindor common room, Quidditch and Christmas in the Great Hall. When Harry talked about school, Teddy thought even a Muggle would have to believe in magic, if only for just a little while.

He knew, though, from his grandmother, from Uncle Ron and from Harry's wife Ginny, that there could be bad times at Hogwarts. Ginny, who was pleasant and made him tasty sandwiches when he visited, told him that her first year at Hogwarts had been rather lonely (not to mention harrowing, if her story about a giant snake was to be believed). "The first night," she said, serving him pumpkin juice with a smile, "was the worst. I'd never been away from home you see, and being the only girl in my family I was pretty much alone in my dormitory. My brothers, at least, had each other."

"Didn't you have friends?" he asked, around a mouth full of Marmite, which was a Muggle substance Harry was fond of, so Teddy made a point of becoming fond of it as well, never mind that it had all the taste and consistency of broomstick polish. "You had to have had friends."

"Not that first night," Ginny said. She sat across from him and picked up her mug of tea. "That first night I was just a small girl who was very far from home and away from her parents and brothers. I'd never been alone like that before, and it was terribly frightening. Hogwarts seemed so big and old, and I felt rather tiny in it. I must have cried for hours."

So it was with much trepidation that Teddy arrived at Kings Cross station a month later, with his godfather's old school trunk newly emblazoned with his name - T. R. Lupin - in small, gold letters across the top, and a small carrier containing a fuzzy white kitten, a gift from his grandmother. The cat had no name, because Teddy was terrible at naming things and he didn't dar ask his Gram for help, because she had named his mother Nymphadora and whoever would do that to a person wasn't anyone who could be trusted to name a cat.

He knew about the barrier between the Muggle platforms and Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, thanks to Gram, so that bit was easy and sort of fun, to run at the wall at top speed and come out on the other side surrounded by witches, wizards and steam from the Hogwarts Express. He stood motionless on the platform, gazing up at the engine while he waited for his Gram to join him.

"Teddy."

He turned. Harry was coming toward him. It was odd, the way the crowd parted for him. Teddy thought their reverence, whispers and stares would have been better directed at someone who looked nothing like Harry, who needed a haircut, and wore Muggle jeans and a t-shirt that advertised the Holyhead Harpies. Nevertheless, he grinned, because he hadn't expected Harry to be there; James was still four years too young for Hogwarts.

"Harry!" he waved at him. "What are you doing here?"

Harry smiled and knelt down, pulled something out of his pocket. "I wanted to give you this," he said, pressing what looked like an old scrap of parchment into Teddy's hand. "I meant to do it ages ago."

Teddy frowned, turned the parchment over and over in his hands. "What is it?"

"It's something I got from your dad," said Harry. "He and my dad, and my godfather, cooked it up."

Eyes widening, Teddy unfolded the parchment, inspected it. "There's nothing on it," he protested, looking at Harry with bewilderment. When Harry just grinned at him, he got even more confused. "Harry?"

"Here, let me show you." Harry drew his wand and tapped it against the parchment. _"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."_

At once words bloomed across the parchment as if written by an invisible quill. "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs..." Teddy read aloud, eyes widening as the parchment's true nature became revealed. "It's a... map. Of Hogwarts?"

As Harry explained, Teddy stared at the map, touched the surface of it. He tried to imagine his father (he never really could) and Harry's dad and Sirius Black, who was little more than a larger-than-life character from Harry and Gram's stories. He tried to picture them making this map, using it to roam the school at all hours, to spy on people, to cause trouble. He barely heard Harry's warning of Time and Place, of not being careless with the map and of not being caught; he couldn't believe he held in his hands a piece of the father he'd never known, the father Harry'd never known.

Teddy looked at his godfather. He told himself not to cry, because he was eleven now. "Thanks, Harry."

"Just remember," said Harry, getting up. "When you're finished with the map, make sure to tap it again with your wand and say _Mischief managed._ That way, if you are caught, all you're caught with is a blank piece of parchment." He winked.

"Got it."

"There's a lad." Harry ruffled Teddy's hair, which was (for the moment) a curious mix of brown and black. When he was small he couldn't control it at all, which mortified his grandmother because she'd had to keep him in hats as an infant. These days he was much better at maintaining his appearance, though occasionally he might wind up with ginger eyebrows, if distracted enough. "Right, you'd better get on the train."

Teddy frowned and looked around. "Where's Gram?"

"Right here." Gram Andromeda appeared beside them. "Did you two have a nice chat?" Teddy thought he saw her wink at Harry, and he knew he'd been set up.

"We did," said Harry. He smiled down at Teddy. "Send us an owl once in a while, okay? And tell the Headmistress we said hello."

"I will." Teddy didn't know how he'd summon up the courage to talk to Professor McGonagall, but he'd try. "Thanks, Harry."

With a wave Harry stepped back, and Gram stooped to press a kiss to Teddy's forehead. "Behave yourself," she hissed. "Pay attention. You'll do well, your parents were very good students."

Teddy squirmed. "Gram, the train-"

"All right," she said, and she released him. Teddy climbed aboard and scrambled into the first empty compartment he could find, quickly sliding open the window and looking back at the platform. As soon as he picked out Harry and Gram from the crowd the train let out a whistle and began to pull away.

He waved until he couldn't see them anymore, and he stayed at the window until it grew too dark to see.

--

The first night, he decided, was the worst.

From his perch in the window of his dormitory bedroom, high above the Hogwarts grounds, Teddy felt impossibly small. He felt even smaller than how Ginny'd described it, as if he were just a speck of dust. Everything about Hogwarts was big, from the front doors to the Great Hall to the spiral staircase leading up to the Ravenclaw tower. Even the groundskeeper was a mountain of a man, with a grey beard and a booming voice as he'd directed them all from the train to the boats.

Teddy's dinner churned in his stomach and he curled up tighter into himself. He knew he should be in bed asleep like the other boys, but he couldn't bear the darkness there. It only made him feel worse, it only made everything seem even further away. The window was better, because the moon was bright enough that he could see the mountains, and there was something about keeping the mountains in sight that was comforting, because everyone he knew lived just beyond them.

The moonlight, oddly enough, was also soothing. He knew this was odd because his father had been a werewolf, and his Aunt Hermione had made sure he knew all about werewolves. He knew he was lucky not to be one himself since it can be passed on, and he knew that the transformations were terribly painful so he was pretty sure his father would have been afraid of the moon. It made him feel guilty, for liking the moon, but on that first night at Hogwarts he was so frightened that he pushed aside the guilt and gazed up at the sky, desperate for whatever comfort he could get.

"You shouldn't feel guilty, you know."

The voice was so soft that at first, Teddy wasn't certain he'd heard anything at all. He looked up and peered around the room. The other beds were still, silent except for the odd snore. The only light came from the window. He swallowed hard and pulled his dressing gown tighter around himself, turned back toward the glass.

In the reflection, he could see a face that didn't belong to him.

Before he could scream he stopped himself, reached up and touched his own cheek. It was, of course, possible that in his fear he'd lost control of himself, his features shifting around into something unrecognisable. He closed his eyes and thought of the face he always had, the one that was the easiest, the one Gram liked best because it had his mother's eyes and his father's chin. He thought, opened his eyes and studied his reflection. No change.

The face looking back at him was that of an older man, with a kind if crooked smile. His expression was much more calm than Teddy felt, which made him wonder if it was, in fact, his own face playing tricks on him at all. He backed away from the window, scooting across the stone and standing up, taking in the whole face, the faintly-scarred skin, the thick brown hair. It all seemed so familiar, but it wasn't a face Teddy could remember ever seeing in his life.

"...are you a g-ghost?" he whispered. He knew there were ghosts in the castle; one had popped up in the middle of the roast pig and had tipped its head at him, as if doffing a cap. "Are you the R-Ravenclaw ghost?"

The face smiled. "I suppose I could be a ghost," he said, and it was an odd sound that didn't seem like it was in the room at all. Teddy could have sworn he was imagining it, but at the same time he was certain whatever was speaking was speaking aloud. "But I might not be one, as well. It's all rather complicated."

Teddy gulped. "Who are you?" he asked, and as soon as he asked he knew. He'd seen the face in portraits at his Gram's house, in Harry's picture albums. The face belonged to his father, Remus Lupin. "...Dad?"

"You shouldn't feel guilty," said his father with a smile. "There's nothing wrong with liking the moon. I'm actually quite relieved you have no reason to fear it."

"But..." Teddy hesitated, feeling a bit ridiculous talking to a window, even if he could see his father's face in it. "You were afraid of it."

Remus sighed, though there was no exhalation of breath. "My son," he said, and Teddy could see his father's eyes, flinty in the dim light, looking him over. "You've grown some, since I last saw you."

"I was a baby when you died," said Teddy practically. "I'm eleven now."

"Indeed you are." His father laughed, a soundless shake of his head. "You're sensible. That would be your grandmother's influence. Neither I nor your mother had any real sense in us."

Teddy swallowed hard. "Is she here?" he asked, a little desperately. "Can I see her, too?"

Remus shook his head. "As I said, Teddy, it's a complicated thing. I'm sure she would send you her love, however. She was terribly excited about you, when you were born."

He had to be dreaming. He pinched himself. It hurt. "You're not a dream," he said to his father's reflection. "But you might not be a ghost."

"I'm here, though." His father said. "Even if I'm imagined, I'm here."

Teddy looked at him, then climbed back up into the window again. He studied his father's reflection. "I'm tired," he said after a moment. "But I can't sleep. I'm-"

"-frightened," said Remus. "I know. I was frightened as well, my first night at Hogwarts."

"Were you really?"

His father nodded. "Terribly. For one thing, a werewolf had never come to Hogwarts before, and I couldn't tell anyone. I was afraid to make friends, only to lose them once they found out about my condition. I was sure that once someone found out there would be an uproar and I would be chucked out, despite having Dumbledore's blessing to be there."

Teddy wriggled at the mention of Dumbledore, who Harry talked about often. "What did you do?"

"I sat in the window," said Remus, "of my dormitory. Feeling very small."

"That's how I feel!" exclaimed Teddy in an excited whisper. "That's how Ginny said she feels!"

Remus's reflection flickered for a moment. "Everyone feels that way," he said. "Even the ones who claim not to. James - Harry's father - pretended to be perfectly fine. He was even the first one down to breakfast. It was only later we found out it was because he'd slept in the Common Room, in front of the fire."

"He did?" Teddy laughed. "Harry never told me that."

"He mightn't have known," said Remus grimly. "There's much we never got to tell him, about his father."

Teddy looked at his father. "Everyone's told me loads about you," he said. "I know all about your mum an' dad, and the name of the werewolf that bit you. I know about the Animagi and how you taught Harry to make a Patronus." He wrung his hands nervously, because it felt a bit like he was meeting some sort of legend instead of his own dad. "I know you were in the Order of the Phoenix and you died in the Battle of Hogwarts."

Remus looked amused. "Very impressive," he said slowly, thoughtfully. "I daresay I could trust you to write a decent biography, if anyone would ever be interested in reading such a thing."

"Aunt Hermione's writing one." Teddy stretched out his legs. "About all of it."

"I am not surprised," laughed his father. "Tell me though, dear Teddy, is there anything you don't know that you might like to?"

It was a fair question and one Teddy had too many answers to, so many that his mind went instantly blank. He stared at his father, memorising his face, the color of his eyes, the small scars that lined his features. He wracked his brain, trying to find something to ask that wouldn't be useless, or stupid.

"Did you love me?" he blurted out, and he wasn't sure who was more surprised by it - him, or his father.

At first, Remus looked much like how Teddy must have looked a moment ago. Confused, a little stunned, a lot anxious. He seemed to be choosing his words very carefully, something that made Teddy's stomach somersault again. Shouldn't a parent answer such a question immediately? Shouldn't it be something they shouldn't have to think about at all?

Finally, Remus spoke. "The answer is yes, of course," he said, in a tone that left Teddy with no doubts as to its sincerity. "What I'm thinking about is why you would ask that, of all things."

"You're not here," said Teddy. "You died. You've never told me you loved me."

"Not true," said Remus quickly. "I told you I loved you at the first moment that I met you. I said it to you every chance that I got. It was, in fact, the last thing I was able to say to you, when I was alive."

Teddy's throat became tight and he ducked his head. "Could you tell me it now?" he asked, in a small voice he couldn't help.

There was a moment of silence. Then, "I love you, my son." Remus's voice was as soft as the darkness. "Your mother loves you. And Harry."

"And Gram," said Teddy. "I know."

Remus smiled. "So really, you're not as alone as you think, are you?"

"Maybe." Teddy stifled a yawn and leaned against the window, forehead resting against his father's reflection.. "M'still afraid, though."

"That's all right," said his father softly. "The first night is always the worst."

Teddy smiled, his eyes drooping. "Everybody says that," he said softly.

He closed his eyes, just to rest them. Just for a minute.

--

When he woke the room was bathed in sunlight and the other boys were awake and getting dressed. Teddy blinked in confusion and rubbed his eyes, and for a moment he didn't know where he was. He was in the window still, leaning against the window.

"Dad." He jumped and turned toward the glass, peering at it. His own face, the usual one, stared back at him. There was no sign of his father.

"Oi, Lupin!" A sandy haired boy called Wood waved at him from the door. "You're going to miss breakfast if you don't hurry up!"

Teddy scrambled out of the window. He threw on his school robes and ran a comb through his hair, and gathered up his books. He couldn't remember what the first lesson of the day would be; he had the schedule written down but he'd forgotten where he'd put it. He patted himself down, reached into his pocket and pulled out the folded parchment. He frowned; it wasn't a schedule. It was blank.

Then he remembered.

"I solemnly swear," he murmured, tapping his wand against the paper, "that I am up to no good."

He watched the map come to life. Sitting on the bed he studied it, squinting at the tiny names floating through Hogwarts' halls, the chaos of the Great Hall. He saw Professor McGonagall having breakfast in her office, and Hagrid doing something in the courtyard. The new teacher of Herbology, a friend of Harry's named Longbottom, puttered around the greenhouses.

It was hard to feel alone, he thought, when he held the school in his hands.

Something furry brushed against his leg. He looked down and saw his kitten, pawing at his trousers, trying to get up onto the bed. He set the map aside and bent to pick her up, letting her lick his nose and paw at his face.

"I think," he said, "I'm going to call you Moony."

Moony the cat purred her approval, then hopped out of Teddy's arms. She batted at the map, looked up at him and made a small chirping noise.

Teddy smiled. "I almost forgot," he told the cat, picking up the map. He tapped it again with his wand. "Mischief managed."

Stuffing the map into his pockets, Teddy Lupin scooped up his books and his cat, and went down to breakfast.

--fic--


End file.
